So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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