I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
