really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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