apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
