I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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