So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
