They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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