New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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