its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
