I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Randomize
