By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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