You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I touched a dick in church today
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
