How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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