You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
