I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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