I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I woke up under a house in Key West
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
