I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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