A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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