remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
