I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
