I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
