I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
how drunk are you?
Several
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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