what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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