Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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