The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
