Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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