I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
