If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
