it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
ttyl tear gas
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
