Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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