I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
