I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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