I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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