I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
why is half of my head shaved?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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