I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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