I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
