maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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