I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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