i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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