She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
