people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
