After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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