I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize