i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
