"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
