watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I just googled if crying burns calories
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
