I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
