he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
