So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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