dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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