how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
